Research on Mindfulness

Research on Mindfulness

Gosh! I LOVE it when science backs something that I have just had to ‘have faith in’. My nerd side is now content.

TGIF-Mindful Lunch Break

I’ve been trying to be more mindful each day. I’ve been trying to do a meditation or guided meditation each morning before work, and I’ve been trying to be more aware and present. Today, instead of working thru lunch and eating at my desk, I left the office and I’m sitting at a restaurant at the beach. I don’t have to force myself to have a half-smile…I’m already smiling. 🙂

One Thing Leads to Another

The organization that has helped me, and it can help you too! We are NOT alone and Together we can heal

Together We Heal

Today I was making my “rounds”. No I’m not a physician, I don’t even play one on T.V. But I was reading through the regular authors, bloggers, fellow survivors and colleagues with whom I follow their writings. As I was reading Joelle Casteix’s latest piece entitled, “It All Started with a Support Group”, her words made me realize something I’d not considered prior;

If it weren’t for SNAP (Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests), our organization, “Together We Heal”, would not exist.

I know the genesis of most non-profits comes from a place of loss, grief, illness, tragedy or any number of other reasons we choose to take up a cause. And they are almost always good and noble reasons that provide for a need or service that others desperately require but have no access.

That being said, Joelle made me realize the reason(s) behind the formation of…

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I Made A Mistake…I Am Not The Mistake

I can’t seem to make all the puzzles fit yet. I can see what the image is supposed to look like…just the pieces haven’t all fallen into place. I got reprimanded at work and was sent home for the day. My boss asked me to reflect on my responsibilities and see if I want them. I do, I know I made a mistake, and I will need to tell him on Tuesday when I go back to work that I’m sorry and it won’t happen again. The reprimand isn’t the issue here. It was the prompting event. The catalyst. But that’s it. The rest that issued forth was an emotional roller coaster that I haven’t quite gotten the pieces to fit yet.

The reprimand brought up extreme anxiety, a flood of tears, body shakes and nausea. My brain was one big whirlwind of thoughts. I curled up in a ball on my couch at home and bawled. What for? Why? Why did I feel so sick? Why was I shaking? Why did it feel like my world was about to end?

Thoughts:
My boss hates me
I’m going to get fired
I’m no good
I’m a horrible employee
What are my coworkers going to think about me?
How can I show my face at work again?
I failed
I let someone I respect down
I’m worthless
I don’t deserve this job
I’m a nothing
How do I fix this?
How can I make it better?
I’m weak
I’m a mistake

My brain kept berating me. My body was in total crazy mode. I wanted someone to make the feelings go away. I was crying. But didn’t know what I was crying for. I felt shamed. I felt I was nothing.

After a good sob fest, I was able to work on bringing my mind back to wise mind as best I could. I knew I was in full fledge emotional mind. I knew I needed to speak to someone. This was one I didn’t think I could figure out in a healthy mind alone. I called one of the women from my CSA support group. Even calling was a ten minute ordeal…reaching out for help made me feel shameful. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. I was shaking. I didn’t want someone to see or know I was crying. I was weak.

S was able to help me. She did a good job helping me connect the dots between my raging emotions and my mom. She said that it sounded as if my brain was telling me I was the mistake. Not that I had made a mistake. The huge overwhelming feeling to fix the situation…it’s what I had to do my whole life. When mom would start going on an episode I knew, that if not fixed right then, it would end with her trying to kill herself. I would manipulate, lie, grovel, cry, attach, every friggin thing you can imagine I somehow knew how to do. I was her lifeline and I couldn’t fail.

I am able to recognize that the pattern that was so engrained into me growing up is not useful and is broken in my adult life. It’s okay that I made a mistake. I am NOT the mistake.

My boss isn’t going to try to kill himself. My mistake is not going to blow the roof off of the building. I don’t need to write a 2 page letter sobbing and telling him how sorry I am and that I love him and that I won’t do anything wrong ever again in my life. I don’t need to stay in from going out with friends because if I go out he said he would be dead when I got back. These patterns of really having to deal with life or death around every bend…wow. They are affecting me a lot. Today with this prompting event I really get to see the effects of what I grew up with and how I maladaptive my skills were as a kid…and are as an adult.

I’m going to have to trust the process. I’ve been doing DBT skills to keep myself in the present and in wise mind. I very easily want to slip into emotional mind and then my emotion regulation goes downhill. I spent the afternoon relaxing in the backyard (beautiful weather) with my cat. I did some journaling. I made a list about my thoughts. I learned in DBT instead of saying I am stupid, I am worthless. You say, my thoughts say I am stupid. My thoughts say I am worthless. This one has been a good one for me today. I chose a color and then found it in my surroundings. I did the imagery of a ray of light scanning, going up and down my body. Bringing me into it. I ran a couple errands and did some chores. I cooked dinner. I watched a couple episodes of Mad Men. Now I am writing this. If I can distract my mind long enough from going into emotional de-regulation, I do well. If I let it wander at all…I go downhill. I will get caught up in the feelings, but at some point I do a pretty well job of catching myself and work on bringing myself back to the present.

I realize the overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame and blame….the overwhelming feelings of fear, doom and anxiety…are all from my past. I am present. I am here. My little girl is scared. She is screaming at me to fix the situation. What I need to do is hug her and let her know I acknowledge her fears. She doesnt’ have to be fearful anymore. I will comfort her. I will keep her safe. It’s okay to not fix this one.

I am extremely afraid to not fix this. But wise mind is telling me there isn’t anything to fix. I am a strong woman. I have been doing my work diligently so when I do have a moment like this, I can pull out my DBT skills. I am okay. I am a good person. Time will tell how this will turn out. All I can do is work on taking care of me and my little girl.

Radical Acceptance Is Letting Go Of Fighting Reality

For the past two weeks in DBT group we have been talking about radical acceptance. So…typical me reads each of the chapters in Marsha Linehans books.

M. Linehan says radical acceptance is letting go of fighting reality. Radical means the acceptance has to come from deep within and has to be complete. It is the only way to turn suffering that cannot be tolerated into pain that can be tolerated. Suffering is when people are unable or refuse to accept pain. Suffering comes when people refuse to accept what they have. Suffering comes from when people resist reality as it is at the moment. Refusal to accept reality and the suffering that goes along with it can interfere with reducing pain. It is like a cloud that surrounds pain, interfering with the ability to see it clearly. Radical acceptance transforms suffering to pain.

While mulling over radical acceptance and it’s play in my life, has given me deeper insight into myself. Kind of. It’s also confused the heck out of me.

Insight: I have not fully accepted that my mother killed herself and this was the one time that I couldn’t save her. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been in therapy on and off for over 8 years dealing with my mothers suicide and the effects of her borderline on me as a child and growing up. I really thought I had a grip on it. Now that I’ve started DBT…yeh, no. What I was doing for those 8 years was skimming the top.

I’m realizing that my body doesn’t know HOW TO FEEL EMOTION. If I’m pushed to dig deep and try to find an emotion…or if my mind is more in emotional mind during a therapy session, it doesn’t know WHAT IT IS FEELING. And when it does feel something, certain things…I don’t even have words for them…it shuts down. My therapist will ask me a question, what I’m feeling, etc..and I have to answer, “I don’t know.” Because I REALLY DON’T KNOW.

The more mindfulness skills I do, the more prompting event (emotional regulation) worksheets I do…I am slowly putting a word to what I think is the feeling inside. If I can be in a present enough place to even allow a feeling to emerge.

Another Insight:I have not come to fully accept the extent of the pain and trauma my father has caused me through CSA. I have no feeling when asked about him. About his actions. I can’t talk about them..not yet. Because I do get a feeling in that situation. I get anxiety. I get shaky, I get cold hands. I think it’s anxiety. It might also be fear. My brain then goes into shut down mode. Wham! Nothing. Sometimes I feel silly replying to my therapist that I don’t know what I’m feeling, or that I don’t understand her question, when in reality I think the big part is that my body and brain was taught at such an early age to NOT feel what it was feeling and to ignore the emotions….that’s all it knows. Now that I’m trying to figure all this out…it’s a complicated mess at the moment.

Another Insight: I have not accepted that both of these acts are BIG DEALS. The idea of trying to fully understand how much, having a borderline/suicidal mother and a having a pedophile as a father has affected my life…my face wrinkles up in confusion. It doesn’t know how to PROCESS this. It’s minimized every act, every scene, every moment in its whole life in a way to cope and to live. Now I’m asking it to do the opposite. To make every act, every scene, ever moment in its whole life to be BIG DEALS. It doesn’t know how! I feel like a novice. A little baby. Learning something for the first time. It’s like a kid asking what color is the sky and a parent telling them its blue. Now not only do they know the sky is blue, but also are the other things surrounding them that are the same color as the sky. I’ve learned through therapy to be more away of my anxiety..that feeling is the easiest one for me to connect with. So when I get shaky and clammy somewhere else, I have a reference point. I can do this with some feelings of shame now. And instead of running and hiding from the feeling, I am learning to recognize it and then attempt to be okay with it. I have. Many more “colors”/feelings to discover. And some of them I feel as if my body isn’t ready to feel yet. I think it might still be protecting me, to this day. Giving me little diesels of healing at a time. (Even though I want to rush the process!)

As for this radical acceptance thing…I think it’s okay that I can’t accept theses big things in my life. I want to fly through this module just as well as I have the last one, but I need to be okay that this is not the case. Hell, radically accepting that I’m not READY to radically accept, this takes weight off my shoulders! My therapist has me working on accepting smaller things. One is “I am sad that my mother is dead.” I think it might be working a little. At the times when I state this, I don’t feel anything. But I have cried twice this week for no apparent reason. They two may be connected.

I guess the bottom line, I feel in limbo since starting the handouts on radical acceptance. I want to grasp the un graspable. But I can work on accepting that I’m not ready to accept some things. I can continue to fight reality and try to force myself to be okay with things. Or I can work on accepting that nurturing myself is helping me heal and drawing me closer to accepting the un acceptable things. So is getting enough rest, exercising and eating well. And so many other things. DBT group and individual. My CSA support group, Together We Heal. All in due time. I don’t want to fight reality anymore.

Anxiety about having Anxiety

The past couple weeks have been emotionally challenging, and yesterday and today I am feeling it. In therapy today we discussed the idea of being okay with feelings of discombobulation. My brain plays tricks on me.

I wake up this morning feeling down. I have a headache and so I take a shower then go back to bed. I avoid a few texts about work. I know I have group therapy at 1, but I feel down and don’t have the energy to go. I go back to sleep without setting the alarm clock. I wake up at 12:30 and feel guilty about not going to group so I pack my bag and go. It’s raining so dealing with being on a motorcycle in the rain. I stop off and get lunch and make it to group for the second half. I can’t follow any of the stuff that is being said. All I can focus on is the fact that I’m not being able to focus. I’m berating myself in my head for not getting their on time. For not getting the things done this morning that I told myself I wanted to get done. After group I have an hour before individual so I tried to read some of the DBT book. Can’t follow a damn sentence for the life of me. I make it to individual and feel like I’m bouncing all over the place. I can’t seem to make my thoughts into full sentences. I think my therapist must be thinking terrible things about me. I know this decrease in self confidence will come and go. But I see it affecting my life and me at work. I have a fundraising event to go to afterwards so home to get changed, then back out. I chose not to drink at all at the fundraiser. I made the rounds and mingled and networked. I felt as if I were outside of my own body looking down at myself. I could see myself getting nervous about what to say to who when I would mingle. I would then listen to the voice berate me for being anxious and short on things to say and then the little voice would tell me I’m not good enough. I was so heightened of my surroundings. Everything felt surreal. I felt as if I were outside watching myself enjoying the show. I felt lost in my own head. I felt as if I didn’t know how to handle myself..but their I was doing a damn good job AT handling myself. I felt vulnerable when someone would come up and talk to me. I felt like I wanted to run and hide when someone would ask for a picture.

My brain is feeling wacked out at the moment. I feel lost. My therapist says it’s okay. It can be a good thing. A sign that I am in the middle of something new. A new part of my recovery. I really think this may be correct. I feel lost with my recovery right now. And I missed my CSA support group this evening because of the fundraiser and really felt off missing it.

An analogy: To start my healing I opened up a filing cabinet that held all my shit. I looked at the tabs. CSA, Suicide, Borderline Personality Parent, etc. Looking at the tabs brought up some stuff, but it also left the files closed. Today, I feel as if I have grabbed those folders and have flung them into the air. All the papers have fallen out and flitted to the floor. I don’t know what to do with the papers now. I want to clean up the mess. I want to be organized. But I don’t know a damn first thing about doing it!

My therapist has me doing my mindfulness exercises this week..but not putting emphasis on the pre/post levels of emotions afterward. She wants me to just focus on doing them. Not judging if they are helping or not or how much. I will focus on doing this this week.

But then again…it’s all for CHER

I haven’t written for almost a week.  I get an urge deep inside to do it, but then when it comes to the action of ‘blogging’…nope…can’t do it.  So of course I decided to analyze why…I think it’s because blogging makes me really THINK about a topic.  I have chosen to use blogging as a way to attack some of my least favorite subjects.  I think dwelling on them, formulating an introduction, body and conclusion is proving to be difficult.  Not in a task sense.  But in an emotion sense.  I know I have been avoiding typing.  Last night I went out for a run and did extra mileage…knowing in my head I was doing it so when I got home I’d only have enough time for a shower and then bed.  I sabotaged my blogging.  haha.

I have a Jawbone Up 24 that I use to track my sleep, movement, food, etc.  I have three alarms set daily that makes the band vibrate and reminds me to breathe.  Each one is linked to a DBT skill.  The first one is easy, because it’s early in the morning.  It’s 10 conscious breathes.  The second one reminds me to observe my breathing with the fall of my footsteps.  The third one reminds me to notice the color green that is surrounding me.  For some reason, this week it has been a feet for me to do my exercises.  I think part of it has to do with it is slow at work…and when it’s slow I catch up on computer stuff which means I’m lost in my own head.  I’m dissociating.  And the energy it takes to pull me out of my own head…yeh.  Is it okay to just be in my own head sometimes?  Am I failing at my healing if I recede back into the comforts of my protective shell?

I have a fundraiser that I have to attend tomorrow evening.  I have been looking forward to it (it’s a dinner and drag show tribute to Cher…who wouldn’t be looking forward to it!?) (Cher is in concert this weekend!) but have also been building anxiety inside about it.  I am going representing my place of business. My boss isn’t going, so it’s my face as THE person.  And I did bring it on myself.  I made asked my boss permission to be a sponsor of the organization and I asked for funds to fund a table.  I did all this when I was feeling CONFIDENT in myself.  This week…not so much.  I’m in such a weird place right now.  Part of me wants to say FUCK IT and put my fake face on and light the place up with my charisma and whatnot.  The new part of me wants to be ME.  I’m in a transition…I love the real me that I am discovering.  And 90% of the time I am gentle with her anxiety and I nurture her.  I know I am in the middle of discovering who the real me is…but I also feel like for tomorrows event, I haven’t discovered enough of the real me to be me at the event.  I feel I have to bring the old fake me back out to be able to deal with the crowds, pictures, and whole friggin set up. 

I should probably review distress tolerance skills tomorrow before the event.  And I plan on taking it easy in the morning.  (Thursday morning is my ‘day off’.)  I want to wash my bikes.  I need to pick out an outfit for the evening.  Then I have DBT group and then individual.  I also feel a little off because I am missing my survivors of child sexual abuse support group for this fundraiser thing.  I haven’t missed a support group since January.  But then again…it’s all for CHER.  🙂

What To Do With Emotions

I found out last month my cat is dying. He has cancer in his intestines. I’ve had him for 13 years. What makes this extremely difficult for me, as well as anxiety ridden…is that he is the last tie I have to my ‘old life’. See, I inherited Mr. Kitty. He was my moms before she killed herself.

He is not just a cat. He embodies so much more than that. I feel as if he embodies so much of the emotion I have not been able to express..all bottled up. He embodies the pain I endured when she died. He embodies those years of my life. He embodies the pain I endured at the hands of her mental health before she died. He was apart of all of it.

I get anxiety thinking I may just start crying and never stop when the day comes I have to put him down. I feel this geyser of grief that is just below the surface…ready to spring at any moment. Part of me wants to love him just as much as another part wants to avoid him. He represents so much. So much emotion.

I feel too new to this ’emotion’ dbt work that I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to relapse and start drinking again. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to go back to being an insomniac. I’m afraid of so many things here. I feel like I have just started to get a footing, albeit a fragile one. I look at him, his skinniness, and this wash of SOMETHING starts to creep into my chest, then into my throat. Part of me wants to let it encompass me. I never have. What would it feel like? Will I break? Will I fall to the floor and never get back up? But the controlled, “don’t feel a damn thing” part of me takes over and squashes it.

I know that worrying about what could be, catastrophizing, is considered suffering. If I don’t worry and live in the present I am saving myself from suffering. It won’t stop the pain when he dies, but I can save some suffering now.

Just because I KNOW THIS doesn’t mean it’s easy to do!

And hell, maybe it would do me good to be in emotional mind, since I have such little experience with it.

I’ve never had a pet, or even a person in my life that has ‘been there’ for me as much as he has been. Might sound silly, him being a cat. But he’s been through so many of my ups and downs. He’s seen the true me. He’s been a part of my deepest darkest days. He’s been witness to things no one else in the world has. I know he doesn’t care about this stuff. But I do. What he symbolizes…I just needed to get this off my chest and out of my body.

Healing Means Things Change

DBT and the skills learned are amazing. I have only had good things come from doing the work. This evening, I saw a downside (or what could be looked at as a downside, or a good side for that matter…possibly) of all the work I’ve been doing.

The person who I have considered my best friend for the past 7 years…I’m seeing in a new light. She’s not the healthiest person. She doesn’t have my best interests in mind. She is self centered. She is manipulative.

Now this hasn’t just happened over night. I’ve been awakened to these qualities over the past few months. My first red flag was when she told me to “get over it” when I had my breakdown and quit my job, secluded myself, and then ended up in detox when the flashbacks of my child sexual abuse came back full fledged. She told me to go listen to Anthony (Tony?) Robbins CD’s on self confidence. I had shared the most vulnerable and shameful thing about myself, and she didn’t acknowledge. Big time red flag.

Another red flag…our friendship for the past year has been hinged on drinking and being depressed together. Staying out until the bars closed. Both of us were at fault. I think she was using the drinking as a way to cope with her job. Me, I was using it as a way to escape the demons that haunted me in the wee hours of the morning. I drank too much. I smoked too many cigarettes and I didn’t exercise (which has always been a huge part of my life).

When I had my breakdown I isolated myself. I made my bubble so small that only select few could even glimpse into it. I learned very quickly to not let her in. She would make me cry, make me defend the importance of my abuse. Of my past. She made me second guess my healing. As I type this, it makes me angry. I finally reach a breaking point. I finally ask for help. Then someone tells me to toughen up. Fuck you! I have been tough my whole life. Now that I’m finally “un-tough”, I’m getting the best results. I’m happier. I’m less anxious. Life is simpler. I’m more whole.

This evening I had a plan to enjoy my night off. (I have Thursdays off work and it is my “therapy Thursday” day. My friend had a rough week with her job and said she wanted to go on the Wednesday night urban bike ride. I had planned on NOT going. But then…I got all fucked up in the head. She needs me as a friend to go with her. I need to be there for her. I haven’t seen her for over a week. Etc, Etc, Etc.

Well, I went. And I realize, our evening wasn’t based on me helping support her. It was based on her drinking and forgetting about her worries. I didn’t even want to drink! Then my brain starts in. Oh yes you do. It’s your night off. Only one drink….then at the halfway point in the bike right my brain says, you gotta get a round of drinks because she supplied the first one. Then after the ride, I wanted to go home! But she gave me the manipulative mannerisms and I went for another beer with her. She shows up with cigarettes. I’ve prided myself of not having one for almost a month. The poof, that’s over. When we left the bar, I felt like I was babying her. Completely the opposite than what has ever happened before. Even last month, I had to help out with being the sober one to drive her car to my house because she was drunk and had her wife pick her up.

On top of the evening where I keep telling myself to stop berating myself for what would be deemed a successful night out ( 3 beers in 5 hours) she decides to give me ‘constructive criticism’ about me and my job. (I work at a bicycle shop and her sister bought a bike with us recently. She did a horrible job with the oreo cookie theme! You are so good at this…but you suck tremendously at this that, this that and those. All I wanted to do was leave.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

My therapist told me to watch this…I think I need to read a transcript…this is full of amazing ideas, research and positive emotions. We are worthy of love.

BIPOLAR IN BLOOM

Brene Brown, researcher of vulnerability, shame, and authenticity, gives her first TED Talk on her work.

It’s intense, poignant, hilarious, and HELPS.

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